i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Someone signed my nipple.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
