If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
