dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
