fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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