I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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