there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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