k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
