The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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