When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
