I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
