Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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