her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Ladies don't puke and tell
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
