I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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