my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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