Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
