Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
