I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
