where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
