Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
