Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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