Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
