Even the bartender felt bad for me
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize