I swear she didn't look like that last week.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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