So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
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