i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
