I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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