I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
