I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
