My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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