your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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