apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
