can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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