we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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