She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
