someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
