I wannas sexs uuuuu
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If I die, sorry about rent.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
