can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
