Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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