he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Of course I have a pirate flag
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
