I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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