he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
