Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
