90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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