please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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