he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
