she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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