I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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