For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
