It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
