i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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