she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
