I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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