good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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