Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
