Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
