Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
