Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
it's great music for shaving your balls
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
