This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Randomize
