Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
