Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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