my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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