I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
