True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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