you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
