booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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