I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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