Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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