My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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